Head again above water.

Dear Readers,

It has been some time, and there’s reasons aplenty for that.

When I found myself beginning this blog, I embarked on the pain of it as I recounted some hard moments in my adulthood, but truthfully, writing it was a relief and even in the heartache of memory, I found joy.

My attention became muddled by current life events and I did what I’ve done so many times before – I looked aloft at the highest prize needing my focus and aimed my sight there. This time, it was work and income.

My day job, the thing I do for pay, is work for the government. Without going into detail, could you guess it’s not a simple thing these days to work in politics? It’s doubly hard for a person like me – someone with a sensitive soul. Oh, and loads of complex PTSD (my therapist’s diagnosis, not my own) that gets activated easily.

While I began this blog, I was also battling an existential crisis at work. I was paid well and…and, well. Well, there were restraining orders on a Proud Boy I had the dis-pleasure of working with, and angry crowds picketing outside the chamber I worked in.  There were police cover-ups and whistle-blowing dramas. After decades of working in government, I wanted to leave.

If only it were that easy – to just leave.

For me, strangely and brilliantly, it was.

One hears of the concept of “manifestation.” We really heard about it during the rise of books like “The Secret” and others, where if we only dream it, it will become…via vision boards and subconsciously willing something into existence. The things we want will appear before us, doors will open, our dreams will be realized. I do not know if I subscribe to all that – except, I did dream and visualize, and what’s more –  I did too put pen to paper and damn well make a plan. I brazenly met with someone I’ve respected and known professionally for years and pitched an idea with false courage. I was brave, much more confident in my words than I felt inside – using my dread of work as the fuel to promote myself as capable of building what I claimed I could build. It worked.

I was offered a new position.

I threw myself into proving the person who believed in me had been right to do so – and took a break from blogging. I dove deep into the depths of my new work, swimming along and barely breaking to breathe, my lungs tight with the effort to work, swim, work, swim – proving myself. Between the deep-ocean dive at the new job and coming up long enough to make sure things were going smoothly with the AirBnB, I’ve been proverbially gasping for air and haven’t had time to pursue the fun stuff…things like the typing these keys under my fingers like I’m pressing keys on a piano  – my words forming the music telling a story.

You can’t keep a good woman down, they say. Not sure who “they” is/are, but this woman has something to say and I’m back up, head again above water and unwrit stories clamoring to be told.

People like you, who don’t give up on me, always charm me in the best possible ways. Thanksgiving is in two days — I close my eyes a moment and say a thanks you are still here with me.

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One Comment

  1. Beautifully written and SO very true, esp for us that are in local government. I am so thankful we had the opportunity to meet in Riverside in Sept. You changed my life by just listening to your story. Keep going!!!!

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